Dysfunctional Team? Here's some tips from a marriage counselor

Have you ever been part of a dysfunctional team? Often teams are thrown together at breakneck speed and expected to deliver results immediately, without much time to gel?

It’s no surprise when tensions bubble beneath the surface. Even if there are no open conflicts, there’s often an underlying sense of unease – the classic “storming” phase that teams go through before they truly come together.

In my years as an Agile Coach, Delivery Lead, and Scrum Master,  I’ve helped many dysfunctional teams. Activities such as of team kickoffs (or resets), co-creating team charters, and facilitating inclusive workshops can help teams to prevent conflict and establish ways of working. Yet, no matter how well you set things up, friction is inevitable. People step on each other’s toes, misunderstandings arise, and conflict happens.

Supporting teams through these moments, helping them listen to each other, and guiding them towards resolution often feels a bit like… well, marriage therapy.

That’s why a blog by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marriage therapist, caught my attention. Gottman’s research showed he could predict with 90% accuracy whether couples would stay together, simply by observing their ratio of positive to negative interactions. The magic number? Five positive interactions for every negative one – a 5:1 ratio.

This got me thinking: could this same principle help dysfunctional teams? When negativity outweighs positivity, collaboration suffers, and dysfunction takes root. But by fostering more positive interactions, teams can shift towards a healthier, high-performing dynamic.

Here are some practical ways to increase that positivity ratio:

✅ Practice active listening – Show your teammates that their input matters by truly listening and engaging. If you are absent from the conversation, multi tasking or thinking about something else this can be seen as a lack of interest.

✅ Adopt a learning mindset – When mistakes happen, approach them with curiosity rather than blame. Focus on what can be learned rather than who is at fault.

✅ Celebrate wins in retrospectives – Make space to acknowledge successes, or even dedicate entire retrospectives to highlighting what’s going well. Although retrospectives are all about identifying improvements, it’s just as important to recognise what is going well.

✅ Encourage appreciation – Consider running regular feedback or kudos sessions where team members can express gratitude to each other. Model this behaviour if you are the leader of the team.

✅ Add a daily Scrum question – If your team is using Scrum, or having a daily huddle, try including a simple question like, “What did you appreciate about yesterday?” to bring more positive reflection into your daily meetings.

Dysfunctional teams don’t have to stay dysfunctional. Building a great team isn’t just about processes and outputs – it’s about creating an environment where people feel valued, supported, and connected. When positive interactions outshine negative ones, teams build trust, collaborate more effectively, and get better results.

So, how close is your team to hitting that 5:1 ratio?

If you need some help to setup your teams for success or help them to improve please get in touch with us for a free no obligation chat.